for those idle office hours

Just the thing while waiting for those long jobs to print.

happy, um...

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the holiday of your choice, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular
practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification, modification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her- or himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

No trees were harmed in the posting of this message;
however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

why i can't find my keys

It turns out that different layers of the brain process information at different speeds. Very cool stuff.

the dorsal striatum and the prisoner's dilemma

As far as I know, researchers in neurology and the game theory types aren't talking much to one another, which is a shame. I have in hand a fascinating article called "The Neural Basis of Altruistic Punishment" that is causing me to rethink many of my assumptions about how to apply the Prisoner's Dilemma in my daily business life.

The gist of this article, which can be found readily in full text on the Web, is that people derive a sense of satisfaction that can be empirically observed and measured in the dorsal striatum from punishing violations of social norms. This sense of satisfaction can seem more desirable than avoiding economic costs. I am tired enough tonight that the deeper implications of this seem too obvious to explain.

It also makes me wonder if the converse is also true. Do we derive a sense of dissatisfaction from observing violations of social norms that we are unable to punish? This might explain why I've never really liked Rigoletto.

subversive cross-stitch

I really, really want a sampler that says WTF? for my office. Even though embroidery has always given me a severe case of the fidgets, I am willing to make the sacrifice in order to enhance my own subversive office decor.

the bryn mawr college cookbook

What's cool about this is that I sort of watched this book being built, because the recipes were collected through the alumnae listserv. Truth to be told (and I always do) I didn't pay much attention to the whole process other than to idly note that the recipes flying about during the testing process all sounded pretty good. I've never seen a book written that way before.

The cookbook is also available in hard copy (paperback), but the .pdf version has the simultaneous salutary qualities of being the cheapest and making the most money for the College. Anassa kata.

don't honor me when i'm dead

The state bar is giving a "posthumous professionalism award" to our late Chief Disciplinary Counsel, who died recently in a car crash.

I have no doubt she was very professional, but what is the purpose of this? For myself, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

the painter of ....RICO?

I'm experiencing an unhealthy glee about this.

i love conte crayon

oblique strategies

I turned them into cards.

sending out an SOS . . . .

Sting has forever affected the way I hear the phrase "message in a bottle," so he's the inevitable lead-in to my discovery of a way to send virtual messages-in-a-bottle over the Internet. This is an awfully pretty site, by the way.

the best office supplies are always sold out

I want one. I guess I really am feeling cranky today.

don't make me stop this car

The Supreme Court of the State of Washington has just announced an extensive set of amendments to the Rules of Professional Conduct, effective September 1, governing my behavior in this state.

Being a conscientious attorney who moreover will be speaking on an ethics topic in October, I downloaded the blacklined set of the entire rules (notable in part because the "unofficial" comments on the rules are now designated as Official Comments).

The document is 285 pages long.

The document does not contain any page numbers.

What were they THINKING? I don't have a clip big enough to keep this one-and-one-half-inch (I measured) thick stack of paper in order. And one page of blacklined boilerplate really looks remarkably like another. The probability that I will drop this humongo stack o'docs at some point in preparing for my seminar approaches 1. At which point I will drop to the floor and set fire to the useless scrambled mess.

Memo to Supreme Court: please number your pages, as the rule you promulgated for Superior Court recommends in CR 10(e)(3).

jung and positive mindstates

From Carl Jung by way of Ernie the attorney comes a timely reminder that "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

As I barrel about the world of litigation in Seattle, feeling, some weeks, perpetually cranky, these are words to ponder indeed.

I have phrased the heading to emphasize positive mindstates when the quote appears to approach from the negative, because, well, just because. Jung again: "The gold is in the dark."

more postcards from finns

Other places, too, most recently New Zealand.

my new addiction

Because I don't have enough hobbies, I have started postcrossing, which reaches its first anniversary in a day or so.

There's something insanely addictive about sending postcards to strangers in Finland.

letters for divorce lawyers

Sometimes imagination is better than reality. Oftentimes, come to think of it.

Thus, as I was killing time while doing TimeMatters database maintenance this afternoon, my eye was caught this afternoon by a "Just Published" notice of a volume entitled Letters for Divorce Lawyers (and yes, I am aware of the tired old joke that those two letters should be "F" and "U").

Now, what kind of letters would such a volume have to have in order to be useful to me?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Counsel:

This letter confirms our conversation of this afternoon, in which I reminded you that your client, Snidely Whiplash, has, despite his stated support of the sale of the former marital residence posthaste, failed to sign the listing agreement with the agent he selected, failed to call the painters as agreed, and failed to remove assorted personal effects in order that the staging of the property can be completed. It is my understanding that my client, Pauline Perilous, cut and groomed the entire half-acre lawn with a push mower over the course of this past weekend in order to make the property ready for sale. As a consequence of her labors in the heat of the day, her promising career as a hand model for Dove soap has now been placed in jeopardy by the blisters that she developed. We shall be forced to seek temporary maintenance in the amount of $10,000 monthly if this continues, as we estimate that Ms. Perilous's career was on the verge of taking off prior to the blistering of her hands.

Please discuss this with your client. Prompt sale of the house will be to the parties' mutual benefit.

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Counsel,

This letter is a followup to my letter of yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before that, and last Friday, confirming that my client Mr. Wonderful is ready, willing, and able to spend time with his daughter while your client Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong searches for employment. I am in receipt of your facsimile of this morning requesting a $2,400 monthly payment to LMCBW for daycare expenses while she searches for work. In light of the fact that the parties' daughter is thirteen years old the daycare estimate seems a little high to me. I hasten to add that Mr. Wonderful wishes to support your client fully in her efforts toward financial self-sufficiency. Would you please call me to discuss this at your earliest convenience?

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Counsel:

Enclosed please find my proposed edits on the Seventh Amended Separation Contract between the parties. I note with some dismay that this litigation has now been pending for longer than the entire active length of the parties' marriage, which was three months.

I am hoping that this time you will accept my representation that "i" is before "e" except after "c," or when sounded like "a," as in "neighbor" or "weigh," and incorporate our proposed changes, which are purely nonsubstantive (as were my last three rounds of changes). Although some may regard this as an eccentricity, I believe that we as lawyers are judged by the documents we generate which survive on file at the courthouse, and my very strong preference is to have the parties sign a document that at least has proper grammar and spelling. I certainly agree that proofreading is a time-consuming enterprise, but I for one do not believe that we can eliminate proofreading entirely.

May I remind you that your initial draft by pure inadvertence had provided for an award of property to my client of eight dollars when in fact the correct number was eight million dollars. Naturally we both want to avoid having any further such errors creep in in subsequent rounds of drafting.

Warmest personal regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

better than a fist fight

Okay, I am looking for confirmation now that the following pleading is real:

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA ORLANDO DIVISION

AVISTA MANAGEMENT, INC., d/b/a Avista Plex, Inc.,

Plaintiff,

-vs-

WAUSAU UNDERWRITERS INSURANCE COMPANY,

Defendant.

______________________________________

ORDER

This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff's Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is

ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of "rock, paper, scissors." The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.

DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.

Copies furnished to: Counsel of Record

Unrepresented Party

Please, God, let this be real.

First update: it seems to be.

dances with fans

Having learned to dance (so far) with castanets, manton, and small rocks (clapped together for percussion in lieu of castanets--dramatic and earthy but hurts like hell when a finger gets in the way), I took a new step on Saturday.

We started dancing alegrias with fans.

Huh.

All I'm going to say is that it's a lot harder than it looks. Since I'm left-handed, having to manipulate the fan with my off hand makes it all the worse. I already know I will throw myself into mastery of the fan, at which point I will possess yet another highly-developed skill that is of no general application to my life (like my ability to discuss opera and ballet in fluent Russian).

Update 6-14-2006

For the record the score is now Goddess 1, Fans 0, since I managed to break the handle on my first fan by snapping it open just a touch too briskly last Saturday. I need me a supply of cheap fans. Ah, the complex life of a twenty-first century goddess.

mercy, mercy me

I really had no idea when I created a blog persona how much fun I would have with it. Her. Whatever.

The dark goddess's credit card has become a piece of performance art: I received a cheery notice in the mail yesterday that the credit limit of my corporation sole now stands at $12,500.00.

Now, it's true that it's not at the world's best interest rate, but the fictitious can't afford to be choosy.

Lest anyone from First Equity be reading this blog, I hasten to note that the dark goddess's bill will always be paid. With real, not imaginary, money. As a general rule, however, corporations sole are chancy credit risks. Look at the Archdiocese of Spokane.

well, i should hope so

The headline reads: jury awards $1.7 million to woman spanked at work. This turns out not to be hyperbole. It was part of a "camaraderie-building exercise."

I once had a job where my employer had the right to dictate the color of my underpants (this was in Montana almost thirty years ago, and I was a cocktail waitress). It was at that time that I swore that there were certain things that I would not do to remain employed. It is funny, because I think lawyers may have a certain reputation among laypeople as being willing to do just about anything for a fee, but I find I am more and more picky as time goes by.

I definitely would not be willing to be spanked as a condition of continued employment.

the continued adventures of my persona

My persona has begun embarking on new adventures. The increased line of credit helps.

I recently used the line of credit to have the dark goddess of replevin become a corporate sponsor of a charity benefit rock concert.

My tastes are nothing if not eclectic, so after duly educating myself about the birth of grunge, I put in an appearance at the concert in time to hear Riverred and the Supersuckers. (Obligatory bad cell phone concert photograph on its way shortly.) One of the other bands--I won't name it--was awful, just awful, but I am now feeling rather smug that I actually know who the Supersuckers ARE and what group later gave rise to Riverred. Also, the corporate rep from Livewire, there at the concert to promote the CD(NOTE: I receive no compensation whatsoever if you buy this product by clicking on this link) seemed rather amused to discover that one of his corporate sponsors was a woman in classic pearls...and tiger-print spike heels. As my son says, I totally rock.

charnel ground meditation

The blurb says that this form of meditation has been difficult to reproduce in the West.

Actually, it was reproduced vividly in Manhattan not all that long ago.

treetop barbie

Last month I blogged in jest here about Washington state Barbies.

In a further demonstration that parody is dead and has been replaced completely by irony, I learned yesterday that it is possible to obtain a product known as TreeTop Barbie if one donates $50 or so to the International Canopy Network, based at the Evergreen State College in Olympia.

Here is the actual description of this product. As Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making this up.

"TreeTop Barbie is designed to raise consciousness among young girls (and boys!) about the importance of forest canopy organisms and interactions. TreeTop Barbie can provide a role model for kids and parents who are interested in alternatives to mainstream culture’s Barbie doll image. TreeTop Barbie can provide encouragement to kids who would like to be field biologists. Additionally, TreeTop Barbie can help to raise awareness regarding the importance of forest canopies, both in rainforests and the temperate zone.

TreeTop Barbie’s field clothes are hand sewn and include rough and tumble climbing pants, field vest, field shirt, helmet, boots and all the appropriate climbing gear (rope, harness, etc). TreeTop Barbie, armed with her binoculars, rite-in-the-rain [sic] data book and trusty field guide (both Barbie- and big girl-sized) is ready to identify plants and animals found in the forest. The TreeTop Barbie Package also includes a personal letter from TreeTop Barbie as well as some information about forests, both kid- and adult-oriented."

I am also not making up the fact that I learned about TreeTop Barbie yesterday when she was interviewed by a local newspaper.

motion practice, continued

Part of an irregular series in which I take note of novel forms of relief sought by litigants in my sphere of influence.

Today I am in receipt of a Motion for Fist Fight dated two weeks ago in the Montana Fourth Judicial District Court, Mineral County in the case of State v. Mauhar, No. D2005-8. My research confirms that this brief was actually filed (and later withdrawn).

The defense attorney asserted that (1) the prosecution had maintained that the decedent (one Matt Palagi) had the right to beat up the defendant and another individual, Demetrius Joslin, and (2) therefore the defense and the prosecution should settle the matter via fistfight.

The State of Montana responded the following day that "While counsel for the State are confident they could acquit themselves respectably if were necessary to settle any part of this matter by means of a physical contest . . ." etc.

Now. There was a real Matt Palagi who was stabbed to death by Demetrius Joslin, and defendant Mauhar (name misspelled in one of the pleadings) was in fact represented by Kirk Krutilla and David Stenerson, whose names are listed on the pleadings I have.

Poking a little deeper below the surface, it appears that Mr. Krutilla was subjected to some heckling shortly before this motion was filed. And the Clark Fork Chronicle, which comes out once per week, reports that one of Krutilla's friends has been assaulted and Krutilla himself has left this case.

Mineral County, Montana, sounds like a lonely place to be if they're gunnin' for ya. The county contains 1,223 square miles with a population of 3,600, which is, let's see, three people per square mile.

When I first saw the style of the pleading, I thought this was going to be funny. The more I research this matter, the more I feel a chill.

corporate alzheimer's

When I read this headline I assumed it had something to do with lack of institutional memory.

Although that's a problem, the article turns out to be about the problems of abandoning old files when one abandons computers. I cherish my electronic form file and brief bank. I've only been in charge of it for eight years (that being when I founded my firm), but since I hope to practice for many years hence, these issues will recur.

What wasn't addressed in the article is the problem of legacy file formats, which I can foresee (donning my Cassandra robes here) as a problem for the future. Although it's unlikely that Microsoft will stop churning out new releases of Word, suppose Time Matters shuts its doors? Yes, it's owned by LexisNexis now, but they could always decide to kill it. I've got all my practice information stored in a modified Topspeed database. Always at my back I hear Time's winged chariot running near.

the death of a blawg on the death of a law firm

It seems like only last week--in fact, it was only last week--that I speculated that an anonymous blawg called "Death of a Law Firm" was an inside job by a partner.

We'll never know. The site has already been deleted, so quickly that even the Wayback Machine could not assist me in resuscitating it. Note: I had occasion last week to locate a Very Naughty Site, Which Probably Caused Me To Violate A Number Of Federal Laws In Viewing It, last week in the course of research on a case. You can locate traces of almost any folly on the Internet. It's not often that the vapor trails of people's thoughts on the Internet let me down.

But I could have told J.D., the putative (or should I say titular? I love that word) author of the already-defunct Death of a Law Firm blawg, that it is hard work maintaining a persona for any length of time (let alone establishing a line of credit in her name). Not every fictitious person is up to it. These violent delights have violent ends.

blawg review #50

Let's begin with a threshold question: is it necessary to be Real to maintain a blawg?

Of course not. There is a time-honored (note: in Internet time, this could be several months) tradition of insider critique most currently embodied (in the electronic sense) by one "J.D." of Death of a Law Firm, holding herself out as "an associate at a small but sophisticated law firm with a regional practice serving commercial clients."

Mmph. This baby blawg has only eight entries, but is compulsively readable. My take? The author is a disgruntled partner writing a cautionary tale with which to flog her partners. I've yet to meet an associate with the intense interest in business development possessed by the owner of even the smallest equity share in a law firm.

Next question: is it necessary to have any particular equipment in order to blawg?

Well, yes, a brain, a computer, internet access...but you law student blawgers, no laptops, ever! Also note: the penis is optional equipment. This means that the Prawfs at PrawfsBlawg should take note that their list of graduates contains alumnae and not just alumni. Bad pedants! No cookie!

Next question: are there topics that are never discussed on blawgs?

Well, frankly, now that you mention it, there aren't that many blawggers showing much interest in pitting the establishment clause against the free exercise clause. Really, it seems like everybody favors one or the other. On the one hand, some folks are mighty persnickety separating church from state, like white from yolk. In the other corner, of course, we have the free-exercisers. Give me a fight about that old time religion, it's good enough for me.. Note also Jews On First, the single cleverest blog name I have encountered in many a moon.

Moving to a different sort of Free Exercise, freepreach.org, which seems to be operated by an entity named the Becket Fund, plaintively asks, "Has your preaching been labelled hate speech?" Ah. No, usually just excessively sarcastic. The last temptation is the greatest treason, to do the right deed for the wrong reason.

I'm not sure that the earnest folks at Freepreach, however, really had these unusual churches in mind, very few of which appear to be the target market for e-zekiel.com's church website hosting. Moreover, there appears to be a Darkside Goddess who may be infringing on my intellectual property.

Now, consider this: if we were to violate the Establishment Clause together, just you and I, dear Reader, could we do any better than the Church of 80% Sincerity in which to commit our mortal constitutional sin?

No, seriously. David Roche says:

The face is the locus of the human persona. At the deepest level, a distorted face can signify that God or the universe may be quirky and careless, or at worst, vengeful and punitive. When others judge a face to be marred, it serves as an unconscious reminder to them that the whole human experience, including their own, is one of being flawed. In our western culture, we have inherited the dogma that we are innately evil, born with the birth defect of original sin. The religions of the east filter their Calvinism through concepts of enlightenment and karma. This sort of cultural and religious background is the basis for the deep subtext that perforce accompanies any disabled character. Even the medical model of disability only substitutes cure for salvation. I believe that seeing and accepting one’s “flawed” condition is a core spiritual growth experience, an essential step in developing emotional maturity for all people, disabled and otherwise.

Amen.

For the insatiably curious, Blawg Review has information about next week's host, and instructions how to get your blawg posts reviewed in upcoming issues.

it's coming...

Watch this blog Monday morning (to be precise, 9 p.m. Sunday Pacific Time) for Blawg Review #50.

You have been warned.

washington state barbies

Stolen from a friend of mine:

Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming BlackBerry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often “working” late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie: This limited edition princess Barbie is sold only at the Bellevue Square Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named “Honey”. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army-Navy Surplus.

Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica T shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his “episodes” with his boss’s daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Fred Meyer.

Sultan Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Red Apple.

Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Olympia Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.

Update: Cf. also TreeTop Barbie, supra. Or infra, depending on whether you think of a blog post later in time but physically located above the citation as coming "before" or "after" the citation. Hm.

the right stuff

When you get right down to it, possibly the single most desirable quality in a client is a willingness to pay attorney's fees.

Imagine the gladness in my heart this morning when, after cautioning a client by email that a request for another fee deposit was looming down the road, I received this reply:

"Perhaps the only thing that will make this divorce go faster is more legal fees, so I eagerly await your request for another deposit."

This may be the best response to a reminder about a trust deposit that I have ever received.

sea sponge instructions

I hate the fact that some lawyers believe that spell-check is the end of proofreading, not just the beginning. Oh, it's so easy to do. It's also so easy not to add technical terms--like law Latin--as defined terms in one's dictionary.

So easy, and so wrong.

This poor bastard actually submitted an appellate brief in which the phrase "sua sponte" was transmogrified into "sea sponge" at least five times, leading to: "It is well settled that a trial court must instruct sea sponge on any defense, including a mistake of fact defense."

Actually, perhaps the better part of valor is for us lawyers to stop using stuffy Latin phrases, although there is really no substitute in English for phrases like sua sponte and--my absolute favorite--mutatis mutandis. Oddly enough, I just typed the phrase "mutatis mutandis" into a blank Word document and spell-checked it, and Word agreed that it was correctly spelled. I must have it well-trained.

take a deep breath and think before you hit "send"

The following email exchange has been confirmed as authentic. In it, a young lawyer rejects a job offer that she has previously accepted.

________________________

E-mail number 1:
Fr: Diana Abdala
To: Will Korman
Sent: Friday, February 03, 2006 9:23 PM
Subject: Thank you

Dear Attorney Korman,

At this time, I am writing to inform you that I will not be accepting your offer.

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living in light of the work I would be doing for you. I have decided instead to work for myself, and reap 100% of the benefits that I sew [sic].

Thank you for the interviews.

Dianna L. Abdala, Esq.

Email number 2:
From: William A. Korman
To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 12:15 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Dianna -

Given that you had two interviews, were offered and accepted the job (indeed, you had a definite start date), I am surprised that you chose an e-mail and a 9:30 PM voicemail message to convey this information to me. It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional. Indeed, I did rely upon your acceptance by ordering stationary [sic] and business cards with your name, reformatting a computer and setting up both internal and external e-mails for you here at the office. While I do not quarrel with your reasoning, I am extremely disappointed in the way this played out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

- Will Korman


E-mail Number 3
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:01 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

A real lawyer would have put the contract into writing and not exercised any such reliance until he did so.

Again, thank you.

E-mail #4
From: William A. Korman

To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:18 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Thank you for the refresher course on contracts. This is not a bar exam question. You need to realize that this is a very small legal community, especially the criminal defense bar. Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced lawyers at this early stage of your career?

E-mail #5
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:29 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

bla bla bla

_______________________

Res ipsa loquitur.

I imagine I've done things just as stupid as this in my day, but I've never been stupid enough to put them in writing. The poor thing.

she's gotta have it

I seriously need to have a Bluetooth virtual keyboard. I really cannot resist the concept that I could actually type on a keyboard consisting of an image projected on a table.

Of course the drawback is that, although compatible with my flavor of Treo, the gadget that projects the keyboard, and passes the keystrokes on to the CPU/PDA looks to be the size of my Treo or larger. Which means that I really can't justify buying this on compactness grounds and would have to admit that I want to buy it just to show off. So now, having admitted that, I can't actually buy one now.

get out of Hell free cards

I seriously need this product. The maker sells them by the individual card, and in jumbo packs of 500+. The flip side says they are good for the seven deadly sins, "plus stupidity." I hasten to point out that of course stupidity is not a sin, and furthermore is its own punishment.

Let's see now. Other than distributing them to excessively remorseful clients, and granting absolution in my occasional role as goddess, I could use these cards as an employee benefit.

pub 2105

Even I find this one hard to believe.

Doing some early morning research today I discovered that the Internal Revenue Service has an entire publication devoted to the topic Why do I have to Pay Taxes? (peculiar capitalization in the original).

Hm. I had supposed that I pay taxes to fund IRS expense in producing booklets, now that I think of it.

To save my loyal readers the trouble of actually reviewing this document, I will tell you that it is only two pages long, and unlike every other IRS pub I have ever used, it is written largely in purple and lavender script. Also, I will tell you (with hyperlinks, unlike the pamphlet, which doesn't bother to quote the actual wording of the cites) that the authority to levy (federal income) taxes lies in article I, section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, supplemented by the Sixteenth Amendment, and implemented by Title 26 of the U.S. Code.

It's hard for me to believe that a pamphlet printed in purple would sway tax protesters, its apparent intended audience.

consult the contrivium

Automated whimsy. I love it.

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don't try this at home

The headline reads: "Lawyer Allegedly Kidnaps Client Over Fees." No, really.

She kidnapped him from his wedding celebration (allegedly, that is) and then called his ex-wife for ransom.

Obviously, this attorney has never practiced family law.