letters for divorce lawyers

Sometimes imagination is better than reality. Oftentimes, come to think of it.

Thus, as I was killing time while doing TimeMatters database maintenance this afternoon, my eye was caught this afternoon by a "Just Published" notice of a volume entitled Letters for Divorce Lawyers (and yes, I am aware of the tired old joke that those two letters should be "F" and "U").

Now, what kind of letters would such a volume have to have in order to be useful to me?


Dear Counsel:

This letter confirms our conversation of this afternoon, in which I reminded you that your client, Snidely Whiplash, has, despite his stated support of the sale of the former marital residence posthaste, failed to sign the listing agreement with the agent he selected, failed to call the painters as agreed, and failed to remove assorted personal effects in order that the staging of the property can be completed. It is my understanding that my client, Pauline Perilous, cut and groomed the entire half-acre lawn with a push mower over the course of this past weekend in order to make the property ready for sale. As a consequence of her labors in the heat of the day, her promising career as a hand model for Dove soap has now been placed in jeopardy by the blisters that she developed. We shall be forced to seek temporary maintenance in the amount of $10,000 monthly if this continues, as we estimate that Ms. Perilous's career was on the verge of taking off prior to the blistering of her hands.

Please discuss this with your client. Prompt sale of the house will be to the parties' mutual benefit.

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin


Dear Counsel,

This letter is a followup to my letter of yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before that, and last Friday, confirming that my client Mr. Wonderful is ready, willing, and able to spend time with his daughter while your client Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong searches for employment. I am in receipt of your facsimile of this morning requesting a $2,400 monthly payment to LMCBW for daycare expenses while she searches for work. In light of the fact that the parties' daughter is thirteen years old the daycare estimate seems a little high to me. I hasten to add that Mr. Wonderful wishes to support your client fully in her efforts toward financial self-sufficiency. Would you please call me to discuss this at your earliest convenience?

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin


Dear Counsel:

Enclosed please find my proposed edits on the Seventh Amended Separation Contract between the parties. I note with some dismay that this litigation has now been pending for longer than the entire active length of the parties' marriage, which was three months.

I am hoping that this time you will accept my representation that "i" is before "e" except after "c," or when sounded like "a," as in "neighbor" or "weigh," and incorporate our proposed changes, which are purely nonsubstantive (as were my last three rounds of changes). Although some may regard this as an eccentricity, I believe that we as lawyers are judged by the documents we generate which survive on file at the courthouse, and my very strong preference is to have the parties sign a document that at least has proper grammar and spelling. I certainly agree that proofreading is a time-consuming enterprise, but I for one do not believe that we can eliminate proofreading entirely.

May I remind you that your initial draft by pure inadvertence had provided for an award of property to my client of eight dollars when in fact the correct number was eight million dollars. Naturally we both want to avoid having any further such errors creep in in subsequent rounds of drafting.

Warmest personal regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

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