the dark goddess of replevin speaks

at least his partners know he has a blog

2011-01-21T13:34:00.000-08:00

Akin Gump Chair Hits Partner’s Personal Blog Post on ‘Ugly’ Indian Prayer - News - ABA Journal

His post, however, was not a good idea.

brief means brief

2010-10-19T17:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, come on now. 104 issues raised on appeal? If you can't win your case on the first 103 issues, why raise the 104th?

Seriously, if you can't win on the first four issues, I don't think the additional hundred will help at all.

Service Snakes

2010-03-17T17:09:00.000-07:00

This has to be one of the funniest opinions I have ever read. God bless him, the trial judge played it perfectly straight.

The hapless plaintiffs had two problems:
(1) they wanted to use medical marijuana in federally-subsidized housing. True, Washington has a law created by initiative that provides an affirmative defense to prosecution under state law, but use of marijuana is still illegal under federal law;
(2) more entertainingly, they wanted to claim that their snakes were "service animals [sic]" under the ADA.

OK, what's wrong with this picture? Leaving aside the fact that a reptile is not, by definition, an "animal," the animal has to be individually trained to do work or perform similar tasks for the benefit of an individual with a disability. The guy's physician actually only stated that he suffered from depression and the snakes were his "therapy pets." (Right before he wrote him a recommendation for medical marijuana.)

Now, I imagine you could train a bird to ask, "How do you feel about that," but a snake? After all, they speak with forked tongues. The case law is pretty clear that an owner's deriving comfort from an animal is not enough to qualify that animal as a service animal for ADA purposes. The animal/reptile has to have special training. Here the plaintiff lost because he was unable to show that he trained the snakes to perform specific tasks or that they had any other unique qualities.

You get more of a sense of what this guy must have been like as a tenant from the dry notation in the facts that he "claimed an unlimited right to carry the snakes around with him, including when he paid his rent."

grandfathered in, or perhaps grandmothered

2010-02-02T10:57:00.000-08:00

The Washington state legislature enacted HB 1592, effective last summer, ending the formation of new corporations sole. Existing corporations sole are--for now--continued to exist.

HB 1592 also enacted an annual report requirement and imposed a $10 annual fee. Clearly, the legislature doesn't like corporations sole much, although I believe the behavior of mine has been exemplary. The House bill report noted:

The bill requires corporations sole to file an annual report with the [Secretary of State] and pay an annual filing fee, which is consistent with the requirements of non-profit corporations. Many illegitimate corporations sole will not be able to file annually because they provide false addresses. Washington is one of 15 states that allow corporations sole registrations. Oregon and Idaho recently prohibited the formation of corporations sole. Washington is on the Internal Revenue Service's radar for fraudulent corporations sole registrations. Disallowing further registrations will prevent new fraud. Between 1861 and 1990 there were a total of 82 corporations sole. As of today there are more than 4,000 corporations sole [in the state of Washington? Nationwide? Worldwide?]. The [Secretary of State] estimates that only a quarter of corporations sole are legitimate.

The annual report, alas, doesn't give me much room to exercise creativity, only asking for name, place of business, and signature of the bishop, overseer or presiding elder. That would be me.

the gauntlet is thrown

2009-12-18T09:38:00.000-08:00

This judge needs to Get Over It. Or perhaps Rise Above It.

"game of lighter fluid tag ends badly"

2009-05-20T22:49:00.001-07:00

Really, the headline tells you all you need to know, but the rest of the article is here.

How else could a game of lighter fluid tag possibly end?

OMG! WTF?

2009-05-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

Miami-Dade Circuit Judge Scott Silverman declared a mistrial in a civil fraud case Wednesday after being informed a witness on the stand in his courtroom had engaged in text-messaging while the judge spoke with attorneys during a sidebar conference. The dispute is over the sale of condo tower in North Miami Beach.

While the judge and attorneys conferred, a courtroom spectator passed a note to a defense attorney saying the witness, Sky Development chief operating officer Gavin Sussman, appeared to be text-messaging Sky chief executive Yizhak Toledano at the plaintiff table.

Yup, he was texting about his testimony.

This was a really, really bad idea.

link rot

2009-05-07T17:10:00.000-07:00

It's a problem in this state.

never heard of this one!

2009-04-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

New York preserves a "unique" cause of action for loss of right of sepulchre, or the immediate right to bury your own loved ones.

It is a sad case, and one that I would have bet money would not succeed. The hospital, however, argued that the claim was time-barred, and the A.D. held (quite sensibly) that the plaintiff's injury did not occur until he became aware that his brother had died and was buried in a potter's field (another fine old term). I am fascinated by the discussion in the case. Melfi v. Mount Sinai Hospital, 122974/02 (A.D. First Department, April 28, 2009).

why i think twitter is stupid

2009-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

How to lose a job with one tweet. It's not even that I think the applicant is "stupid" (naive, unwise, yes). The very application lends itself to this kind of unguarded naivete.

virtual buddha machine

2009-04-19T12:35:00.000-07:00

I have no explanation for why I love the Buddha Machine so much. I don't even own a physical one yet, either release 1.0 or 2.0, although I come pretty close with looping the tracks on my Zune. I like the idea of having something that is like a cheap transistor radio, not the sleeker-than-sleek Zune. But I am utterly fascinated by the wall of Buddha Machines. When I get all 21 going at once I feel like a meditative Phil Spector (a contradiction in terms, that). It sounds really cool. And as much as I like the Buddha Machine I'm not going to purchase 21 physical units.

ETA: I put a Buddha Machine as a widget on this very blog. Now how about that.

how does it DO that?

2009-03-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's a standard feature of social networking sites that they offer you suggested new connections based on the connections you already have.

LinkedIn is starting to freak me out. It has suggested to me several out-of-state individuals to whom I have no openly-discernable connection but who are, in fact, actual clients of mine. Who might not want that broadcast on a social networking site.

How does LinkedIn know?

holding my breath

2009-03-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

One of the biggest mental shifts that I've had to make over the years as I think about computers--which I do a lot--is learning how to think about networks. Way back in the day--and I mean waaaay back in the day--my law firm put a box on my desk (it was a 286! w00t!), connected it to a network, and that was it. It ran or it didn't, and no one ever explained why to me. This was a big firm.

Twenty-one years later, my main business machine is a laptop (my beloved Thinkpad T61, still a classic) that travels largely between the wired network at my office over which I have some control, and a wireless network at my house over which I have complete control. It also trundles around from time to time to hook up with public networks from SeaTac to Aruba and parts in between (I'm particularly fond of the wireless network at the Satellite Cafe in Albuquerque, New Mexico).

I've always been able to make the laptop's connections work. But. In doing a little end-of-the-month maintenance on my system this morning, I focused for the first time that I have the following software running simultaneously on my Thinkpad:

(1) The Windows Vista Network and Sharing Center (part of the OS AFAICT);
(2) Lenovo's Access Connections (which has always worked really well); and
(3) Network Magic, which I used to set up my Rube Goldberg system at home that links a Win XP Home machine, a Windows 7 beta machine, a Windows 2000 machine, an XBox 360, a Zune, and, from time to time, my laptop (Vista Business SP 2 beta RC).

Now, I still know next-to-nothing about networks. How is it that I have been able to persuade these three pieces of software to peacefully coexist (and to split infinitives)? Is it time for dialectical bootstrapping?

I'm holding my breath.

data rot

2009-03-26T15:37:00.000-07:00

New nomenclature, old concept. Along with global warming, something else to worry about.

the minimalist workspace

2009-03-20T08:17:00.000-07:00

I'm working towards this. I have noticed, however, the peculiar phenomenon that as my workspace grows ever less cluttered, the desks of my staff get more cluttered. Are they less committed to miminalism than I, or simply in no position to complain about me dumping my crap on their nice clean desks? Hm.

dialectical bootstrapping

2009-03-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

I'm all about making better decisions, so imagine my delight when I stumbled on research by Stefan M. Herzog and Ralph Hertwig of the University of Basel about a decisionmaking technique with the added benefit of a delightfully jargon-loaded name.

According to the article,

Dialectical bootstrapping is a method by which an individual mind averages its' [sic] own conflicting opinions, thus simulating the "wisdom of the crowd." In other words, dialectical bootstrapping enables different opinions to be created and combined in the same mind. For example, in this study, participants were asked to identify dates of various historical events. After they gave their initial answer, the participants were asked to think of reasons why the answer may be wrong and were then asked to come up with an alternative second (dialectical) answer.

The results, reported in Psychological Science, a journal of the Association for Psychological Science, reveal that the average of the participants' first answer with the second answer was much closer to the correct answer, compared to the original answers on their own. In addition, the dialectical bootstrapping method (that is, thinking about why your own answer might be incorrect and then averaging across estimates) resulted in more accurate answers compared to simply making a second guess without considering why the first answer may be wrong.

These findings suggest that dialectical bootstrapping may be an effective strategy in helping us come up with better answers to many types of problems.

Cool.

how not to use a lawyer

2009-03-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

You never know when your snotty letter is going to be posted on the Internet.

strange bedfellows

2009-03-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

Because of XM Radio's well-publicized financial problems, I haven't been surprised to see changes in their radio lineup (wreaking havoc with my preset buttons, but it's not all about me). So it shouldn't have come as a surprise that the traffic and weather channels would change.

But what a change! Looking for the channel with Seattle traffic while stuck in same last night, I found that it now combines Seattle and San Francisco traffic and weather. Well, that would be quite a commute.

Curiosity led me to listen to the other traffic stations and discover additional weird combos:

Atlanta and Miami
Phoenix and San Diego
Chicago and St. Louis
Pittsburgh and Minneapolis
(my favorite) Las Vegas and Detroit

Not to mention the fundamental weirdness of listening to a traffic report for San Francisco while driving in the dark in Seattle.

Yes, I can see that broadcasting the Calendrier Sportif reduces the number of weather and traffic channel space available. Did XM acquire this along with Howard Stern when they combined with Sirius? I hope they received something more useful.

the real reason that dinosaurs became extinct

2009-03-03T07:49:00.000-08:00

Their eyesight was too #*%*% crappy to use text messages effectively.

Really.

I have been trying to use this thing called Twitter (where I am, creatively, "tdgor"), and my texting ability is severely limited by my inability to see the buttons on the damn phone.

This is sad.

what ARE they teaching them in school?

2009-02-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

I believe I understand what the school is getting at here, but I'd like to see schoolteachers speak more clearly than this.

col. mustard, in the pantry, with a lead pipe

2009-02-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

I actually am beginning to think that it would be interesting to be a network administrator.

Nothing in my training or experience to date has given me the tools to solve this conundrum:

Our server has Windows Server 2003, which is (of course) not quite the same thing as Windows Small Business Server 2003. SBS 2003 has Windows Server 2003 as one component, but it also has added stuff (if you trust the word of Wikipedia). SBS 2003 is not automatically compatible with Windows Vista on the client OSes (speaking of clients in the network sense and not the legal sense here). There is little material available on Server 2003 compatibility with Vista, but by inference it might need the same patch. But I'm not sure.

Our server also has SQL Server 2000, which is apparently also not compatible with Windows Vista for client OSes (if you trust the word of Microsoft).

Our network includes at least four Windows Vista machines, one of which is Home Premium and not Business, a bunch of XP machines, and a Mac running Windows on a VM. I sincerely hope no one is still using Windows 98, but I wouldn't be too surprised.

If we upgrade SQL Server too much, I'm concerned it will not be compatible with Windows Server (is anyone still following me?).

And what's going to happen when people start upgrading to Windows 7?

Maybe I should just quietly switch the server over to Ubuntu.

May I please go back to practicing law now?

full circle

2009-01-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

First, there was the Walkman (circa 1979 or so). It was cool. But I owned a turntable (and an 8-track tape deck). I was in law school and poor. So I didn't buy one.

Next, there was the Discman. It was cool. But by then I had replaced my turntable with a cassette tape player, and I didn't want to replace all my replacement cassettes with CDs. So I didn't buy one.

Then, there was the iPod. It was cool. But I had started buying replacement CDs, and hadn't emotionally accepted the notion of buying my music in electronic format (because I didn't have the capability to rip CDs at the time). So I didn't buy one.

This Christmas, my family gave me a 120 GB Zune, which I might note has more storage capacity than my workhorse office computer (and probably is close to the capacity of our server). It is way cool.

Fry's is now advertising a turntable that plugs into one's USB drive to enable one to convert one's vinyl records direct-to-digital. (Meanwhile, thirty years have passed.)

Now, where did I put that copy of Tommy?

why i don't do numbers

2008-10-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

Why was a first-year associate doing this kind of stuff with Excel? Who was proofreading?

How embarrassing, but there but for the grace of God go I.

if i haven't posted this before, I should have

2008-07-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

this is sad

2008-02-24T11:58:00.000-08:00

Florida judges think intuitively, not logically.

It's so hard to be a logical person in this world (says the INTJ).

kali sara

2008-02-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

Saint Sarah is venerated by the Roma. The name Kali Sara is a reminder that the Roma's first origins were in India. I could go on and on about this.

I was very excited to find this clip on YouTube. "Latcho Drom," the source of this clip, is one of my favorite movies of all time.

Oh, I can't resist.

Here's another one, though it has nothing to do with Kali Sara. It's just another clip from "Latcho Drom." Enjoy.

how many times do i have to tell you?

2008-01-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

As reported by law.com this week, more attractive lawyers make more money.

Look! I reported on this on 6/20/2005! Get with it, people!

forgiving versus forgetting

2007-11-26T12:13:00.000-08:00

Back when I was just a young dakini, and the prime rate was 20%, I found myself partway through Columbia University School of Law with a reduced scholarship for my third and final year.

I put myself through law school. My parents were both retired, and my dad was old and sick, when I entered law school, and the only financial support they were able to give me was $200 when I set off for New York City. By my last year in law school, I had no savings left, despite having a nice job in Manhattan the summer before my third year in law school.

I knew the score. I'd met a cab driver who told me he'd completed one year at Columbia Law School, and I had no reason to doubt him. I needed to finish my law degree to get a license to practice law.

When I protested to the financial aid director of the law school at the time (one John B. Snook), his response was, "Have your parents sell their house. You can buy them a new house after you graduate." The timing of this "advice" was particularly bad, since my dad had just had brain surgery, and was diagnosed with a previously-undetected case of prostate cancer immediately after the surgery.

Of course, I didn't even ask my folks about selling their house. It wasn't like they owned a palatial estate in Westchester. It was a modest three-bedroom house in a little factory town where no one lives unless they have to. I worked during the school year my last year in school, which brought my grades down, but I did finish with my class. And I made a solemn vow that I would never, ever donate a penny to Columbia.

I've made peace with this over the years--to some extent--but I will not break my vow. It was the only action that I felt I could take at the time to fight back against an interaction that I felt to be downright cruel. I've certainly seen greater acts of cruelty than this over the years, and in fact I'd now downgrade this to "callously insensitive." Nevertheless.

Now I am in receipt of a letter from the 25th Reunion Committee from my class at Columbia telling me that I have a "responsibility to give back" to Columbia. To which my politest possible response is, "I don't think so." I will forgive, but I won't forget.

feeling cocky about being technosavvy?

2007-11-01T22:46:00.000-07:00

The picture above was taken by a 10-year-old. With a cell phone.

"smelly fan blows wind on pirates. run!"

2007-09-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

Everything you need to know about the new international radiation symbol.

subversive cross stitch update

2007-09-13T07:16:00.000-07:00

I hereby certify that the foregoing item is, in fact, currently on display in my office.

It is, however, arranged so that clients cannot see it easily.

why computers are occasionally pounded into their original components of silicone (or silicon, thanks Jay)

2007-09-08T00:13:00.000-07:00

Palm has finally created a version Palm Desktop that is Windows-Vista compatible.

But it isn't compatible with my Treo 650.

I do not want to purchase another gadget right now.

I would really, really like to pound my laptop with my Treo right now.

That wouldn't be very mature.

imagine

2007-08-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

You're in Hell. And you want to get out (has sound, is work-safe content).

Absolutely fabulous.

a periodic table of visualization methods

2007-08-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

I think this may just be the coolest thing I have ever seen.

i can has lolcats?

2007-07-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

Now that I have found a guide to lolcat grammar, I feel better about writing my own captions.

I found some pretty good ones on the Bar Exam Lolcats group, but now that I've found the generator...let's see...

note to self

2007-05-31T09:40:00.000-07:00

Must remember. Do not tell judge that she is a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

so maybe i should lay off the postcards

2007-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

I mean, look. This guy lost his disability insurance benefits and gained a criminal conviction and bar sanctions.

On the other hand, for him it wasn't just postcards, it was POSTCARDS.

"enough of these silly letters"

2007-02-22T13:58:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a judge has just had enough (not to be confused with the lawyer who had enough in my last post).

i'll have another, your honor

2007-02-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

This is amazing.

Amazing.

He lost his license.

permit and proceed

2007-01-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

This description is confusing, but bear with me.

First, there was Second Life. I've signed up, but I have enough self-awareness by this age to recognize what a thief of time this could be for me.

Second, there was First Life, or more accurately Get A First Life. This competent parody site had a link that invited cease-and-desist letters to be posted on the author's blog.

Third--oh, well-played indeed--Linden Labs's lawyer responded with a parody of a cease-and-desist letter. Memorably, Ginsu Yoon replied in pertinent part:

Linden Lab objects to any implication that it would employ lawyers incapable of distinguishing such obvious parody. Indeed, any competent attorney is well aware that the outcome of sending a cease-and-desist letter regarding a parody is only to draw more attention to such parody, and to invite public scorn and ridicule of the humor-impaired legal counsel. Linden Lab is well-known for having strict hiring standards, including a requirement for having a sense of humor, from which our lawyers receive no exception.

the biology of boredom

2007-01-10T07:14:00.000-08:00

It's not my fault I can't concentrate on stupid stuff. So there.

for those idle office hours

2006-12-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

Just the thing while waiting for those long jobs to print.

happy, um...

2006-12-24T09:06:00.000-08:00

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
nonaddictive, gender neutral celebration of the holiday of your choice, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular
practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular
persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and
medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted Gregorian calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures, and without regard to the
race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification, modification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her- or himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted
to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement
of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the
wisher.

No trees were harmed in the posting of this message;
however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

why i can't find my keys

2006-12-23T18:04:00.000-08:00

It turns out that different layers of the brain process information at different speeds. Very cool stuff.

the dorsal striatum and the prisoner's dilemma

2006-10-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

As far as I know, researchers in neurology and the game theory types aren't talking much to one another, which is a shame. I have in hand a fascinating article called "The Neural Basis of Altruistic Punishment" that is causing me to rethink many of my assumptions about how to apply the Prisoner's Dilemma in my daily business life.

The gist of this article, which can be found readily in full text on the Web, is that people derive a sense of satisfaction that can be empirically observed and measured in the dorsal striatum from punishing violations of social norms. This sense of satisfaction can seem more desirable than avoiding economic costs. I am tired enough tonight that the deeper implications of this seem too obvious to explain.

It also makes me wonder if the converse is also true. Do we derive a sense of dissatisfaction from observing violations of social norms that we are unable to punish? This might explain why I've never really liked Rigoletto.

subversive cross-stitch

2006-09-29T10:16:00.000-07:00

I really, really want a sampler that says WTF? for my office. Even though embroidery has always given me a severe case of the fidgets, I am willing to make the sacrifice in order to enhance my own subversive office decor.

the bryn mawr college cookbook

2006-09-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

What's cool about this is that I sort of watched this book being built, because the recipes were collected through the alumnae listserv. Truth to be told (and I always do) I didn't pay much attention to the whole process other than to idly note that the recipes flying about during the testing process all sounded pretty good. I've never seen a book written that way before.

The cookbook is also available in hard copy (paperback), but the .pdf version has the simultaneous salutary qualities of being the cheapest and making the most money for the College. Anassa kata.

don't honor me when i'm dead

2006-09-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

The state bar is giving a "posthumous professionalism award" to our late Chief Disciplinary Counsel, who died recently in a car crash.

I have no doubt she was very professional, but what is the purpose of this? For myself, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.

the painter of ....RICO?

2006-08-29T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing an unhealthy glee about this.

i love conte crayon

2006-08-15T18:52:00.000-07:00

oblique strategies

2006-08-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

I turned them into cards.

sending out an SOS . . . .

2006-08-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

Sting has forever affected the way I hear the phrase "message in a bottle," so he's the inevitable lead-in to my discovery of a way to send virtual messages-in-a-bottle over the Internet. This is an awfully pretty site, by the way.

the best office supplies are always sold out

2006-08-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

I want one. I guess I really am feeling cranky today.

don't make me stop this car

2006-08-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

The Supreme Court of the State of Washington has just announced an extensive set of amendments to the Rules of Professional Conduct, effective September 1, governing my behavior in this state.

Being a conscientious attorney who moreover will be speaking on an ethics topic in October, I downloaded the blacklined set of the entire rules (notable in part because the "unofficial" comments on the rules are now designated as Official Comments).

The document is 285 pages long.

The document does not contain any page numbers.

What were they THINKING? I don't have a clip big enough to keep this one-and-one-half-inch (I measured) thick stack of paper in order. And one page of blacklined boilerplate really looks remarkably like another. The probability that I will drop this humongo stack o'docs at some point in preparing for my seminar approaches 1. At which point I will drop to the floor and set fire to the useless scrambled mess.

Memo to Supreme Court: please number your pages, as the rule you promulgated for Superior Court recommends in CR 10(e)(3).

jung and positive mindstates

2006-07-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

From Carl Jung by way of Ernie the attorney comes a timely reminder that "Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves."

As I barrel about the world of litigation in Seattle, feeling, some weeks, perpetually cranky, these are words to ponder indeed.

I have phrased the heading to emphasize positive mindstates when the quote appears to approach from the negative, because, well, just because. Jung again: "The gold is in the dark."

my new addiction

2006-07-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Because I don't have enough hobbies, I have started postcrossing, which reaches its first anniversary in a day or so.

There's something insanely addictive about sending postcards to strangers in Finland.

letters for divorce lawyers

2006-06-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes imagination is better than reality. Oftentimes, come to think of it.

Thus, as I was killing time while doing TimeMatters database maintenance this afternoon, my eye was caught this afternoon by a "Just Published" notice of a volume entitled Letters for Divorce Lawyers (and yes, I am aware of the tired old joke that those two letters should be "F" and "U").

Now, what kind of letters would such a volume have to have in order to be useful to me?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Counsel:

This letter confirms our conversation of this afternoon, in which I reminded you that your client, Snidely Whiplash, has, despite his stated support of the sale of the former marital residence posthaste, failed to sign the listing agreement with the agent he selected, failed to call the painters as agreed, and failed to remove assorted personal effects in order that the staging of the property can be completed. It is my understanding that my client, Pauline Perilous, cut and groomed the entire half-acre lawn with a push mower over the course of this past weekend in order to make the property ready for sale. As a consequence of her labors in the heat of the day, her promising career as a hand model for Dove soap has now been placed in jeopardy by the blisters that she developed. We shall be forced to seek temporary maintenance in the amount of $10,000 monthly if this continues, as we estimate that Ms. Perilous's career was on the verge of taking off prior to the blistering of her hands.

Please discuss this with your client. Prompt sale of the house will be to the parties' mutual benefit.

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Counsel,

This letter is a followup to my letter of yesterday, the day before yesterday, the day before that, and last Friday, confirming that my client Mr. Wonderful is ready, willing, and able to spend time with his daughter while your client Little-Miss-Can't-Be-Wrong searches for employment. I am in receipt of your facsimile of this morning requesting a $2,400 monthly payment to LMCBW for daycare expenses while she searches for work. In light of the fact that the parties' daughter is thirteen years old the daycare estimate seems a little high to me. I hasten to add that Mr. Wonderful wishes to support your client fully in her efforts toward financial self-sufficiency. Would you please call me to discuss this at your earliest convenience?

Best regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Counsel:

Enclosed please find my proposed edits on the Seventh Amended Separation Contract between the parties. I note with some dismay that this litigation has now been pending for longer than the entire active length of the parties' marriage, which was three months.

I am hoping that this time you will accept my representation that "i" is before "e" except after "c," or when sounded like "a," as in "neighbor" or "weigh," and incorporate our proposed changes, which are purely nonsubstantive (as were my last three rounds of changes). Although some may regard this as an eccentricity, I believe that we as lawyers are judged by the documents we generate which survive on file at the courthouse, and my very strong preference is to have the parties sign a document that at least has proper grammar and spelling. I certainly agree that proofreading is a time-consuming enterprise, but I for one do not believe that we can eliminate proofreading entirely.

May I remind you that your initial draft by pure inadvertence had provided for an award of property to my client of eight dollars when in fact the correct number was eight million dollars. Naturally we both want to avoid having any further such errors creep in in subsequent rounds of drafting.

Warmest personal regards,

the dark goddess of replevin

better than a fist fight

2006-06-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am looking for confirmation now that the following pleading is real:

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA ORLANDO DIVISION

AVISTA MANAGEMENT, INC., d/b/a Avista Plex, Inc.,

Plaintiff,

-vs-

WAUSAU UNDERWRITERS INSURANCE COMPANY,

Defendant.

______________________________________

ORDER

This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff's Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is

ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of "rock, paper, scissors." The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.

DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.

Copies furnished to: Counsel of Record

Unrepresented Party

Please, God, let this be real.

First update: it seems to be.

dances with fans

2006-06-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Having learned to dance (so far) with castanets, manton, and small rocks (clapped together for percussion in lieu of castanets--dramatic and earthy but hurts like hell when a finger gets in the way), I took a new step on Saturday.

We started dancing alegrias with fans.

Huh.

All I'm going to say is that it's a lot harder than it looks. Since I'm left-handed, having to manipulate the fan with my off hand makes it all the worse. I already know I will throw myself into mastery of the fan, at which point I will possess yet another highly-developed skill that is of no general application to my life (like my ability to discuss opera and ballet in fluent Russian).

Update 6-14-2006

For the record the score is now Goddess 1, Fans 0, since I managed to break the handle on my first fan by snapping it open just a touch too briskly last Saturday. I need me a supply of cheap fans. Ah, the complex life of a twenty-first century goddess.

mercy, mercy me

2006-06-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

I really had no idea when I created a blog persona how much fun I would have with it. Her. Whatever.

The dark goddess's credit card has become a piece of performance art: I received a cheery notice in the mail yesterday that the credit limit of my corporation sole now stands at $12,500.00.

Now, it's true that it's not at the world's best interest rate, but the fictitious can't afford to be choosy.

Lest anyone from First Equity be reading this blog, I hasten to note that the dark goddess's bill will always be paid. With real, not imaginary, money. As a general rule, however, corporations sole are chancy credit risks. Look at the Archdiocese of Spokane.

well, i should hope so

2006-05-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

The headline reads: jury awards $1.7 million to woman spanked at work. This turns out not to be hyperbole. It was part of a "camaraderie-building exercise."

I once had a job where my employer had the right to dictate the color of my underpants (this was in Montana almost thirty years ago, and I was a cocktail waitress). It was at that time that I swore that there were certain things that I would not do to remain employed. It is funny, because I think lawyers may have a certain reputation among laypeople as being willing to do just about anything for a fee, but I find I am more and more picky as time goes by.

I definitely would not be willing to be spanked as a condition of continued employment.

the continued adventures of my persona

2006-04-20T15:00:00.000-07:00

My persona has begun embarking on new adventures. The increased line of credit helps.

I recently used the line of credit to have the dark goddess of replevin become a corporate sponsor of a charity benefit rock concert.

My tastes are nothing if not eclectic, so after duly educating myself about the birth of grunge, I put in an appearance at the concert in time to hear Riverred and the Supersuckers. (Obligatory bad cell phone concert photograph on its way shortly.) One of the other bands--I won't name it--was awful, just awful, but I am now feeling rather smug that I actually know who the Supersuckers ARE and what group later gave rise to Riverred. Also, the corporate rep from Livewire, there at the concert to promote the CD(NOTE: I receive no compensation whatsoever if you buy this product by clicking on this link) seemed rather amused to discover that one of his corporate sponsors was a woman in classic pearls...and tiger-print spike heels. As my son says, I totally rock.

charnel ground meditation

2006-04-19T18:17:00.000-07:00

The blurb says that this form of meditation has been difficult to reproduce in the West.

Actually, it was reproduced vividly in Manhattan not all that long ago.

treetop barbie

2006-04-17T19:19:00.000-07:00

Last month I blogged in jest here about Washington state Barbies.

In a further demonstration that parody is dead and has been replaced completely by irony, I learned yesterday that it is possible to obtain a product known as TreeTop Barbie if one donates $50 or so to the International Canopy Network, based at the Evergreen State College in Olympia.

Here is the actual description of this product. As Dave Barry says, I swear I am not making this up.

"TreeTop Barbie is designed to raise consciousness among young girls (and boys!) about the importance of forest canopy organisms and interactions. TreeTop Barbie can provide a role model for kids and parents who are interested in alternatives to mainstream culture’s Barbie doll image. TreeTop Barbie can provide encouragement to kids who would like to be field biologists. Additionally, TreeTop Barbie can help to raise awareness regarding the importance of forest canopies, both in rainforests and the temperate zone.

TreeTop Barbie’s field clothes are hand sewn and include rough and tumble climbing pants, field vest, field shirt, helmet, boots and all the appropriate climbing gear (rope, harness, etc). TreeTop Barbie, armed with her binoculars, rite-in-the-rain [sic] data book and trusty field guide (both Barbie- and big girl-sized) is ready to identify plants and animals found in the forest. The TreeTop Barbie Package also includes a personal letter from TreeTop Barbie as well as some information about forests, both kid- and adult-oriented."

I am also not making up the fact that I learned about TreeTop Barbie yesterday when she was interviewed by a local newspaper.

motion practice, continued

2006-04-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

Part of an irregular series in which I take note of novel forms of relief sought by litigants in my sphere of influence.

Today I am in receipt of a Motion for Fist Fight dated two weeks ago in the Montana Fourth Judicial District Court, Mineral County in the case of State v. Mauhar, No. D2005-8. My research confirms that this brief was actually filed (and later withdrawn).

The defense attorney asserted that (1) the prosecution had maintained that the decedent (one Matt Palagi) had the right to beat up the defendant and another individual, Demetrius Joslin, and (2) therefore the defense and the prosecution should settle the matter via fistfight.

The State of Montana responded the following day that "While counsel for the State are confident they could acquit themselves respectably if were necessary to settle any part of this matter by means of a physical contest . . ." etc.

Now. There was a real Matt Palagi who was stabbed to death by Demetrius Joslin, and defendant Mauhar (name misspelled in one of the pleadings) was in fact represented by Kirk Krutilla and David Stenerson, whose names are listed on the pleadings I have.

Poking a little deeper below the surface, it appears that Mr. Krutilla was subjected to some heckling shortly before this motion was filed. And the Clark Fork Chronicle, which comes out once per week, reports that one of Krutilla's friends has been assaulted and Krutilla himself has left this case.

Mineral County, Montana, sounds like a lonely place to be if they're gunnin' for ya. The county contains 1,223 square miles with a population of 3,600, which is, let's see, three people per square mile.

When I first saw the style of the pleading, I thought this was going to be funny. The more I research this matter, the more I feel a chill.

corporate alzheimer's

2006-04-10T09:54:00.000-07:00

When I read this headline I assumed it had something to do with lack of institutional memory.

Although that's a problem, the article turns out to be about the problems of abandoning old files when one abandons computers. I cherish my electronic form file and brief bank. I've only been in charge of it for eight years (that being when I founded my firm), but since I hope to practice for many years hence, these issues will recur.

What wasn't addressed in the article is the problem of legacy file formats, which I can foresee (donning my Cassandra robes here) as a problem for the future. Although it's unlikely that Microsoft will stop churning out new releases of Word, suppose Time Matters shuts its doors? Yes, it's owned by LexisNexis now, but they could always decide to kill it. I've got all my practice information stored in a modified Topspeed database. Always at my back I hear Time's winged chariot running near.

the death of a blawg on the death of a law firm

2006-04-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

It seems like only last week--in fact, it was only last week--that I speculated that an anonymous blawg called "Death of a Law Firm" was an inside job by a partner.

We'll never know. The site has already been deleted, so quickly that even the Wayback Machine could not assist me in resuscitating it. Note: I had occasion last week to locate a Very Naughty Site, Which Probably Caused Me To Violate A Number Of Federal Laws In Viewing It, last week in the course of research on a case. You can locate traces of almost any folly on the Internet. It's not often that the vapor trails of people's thoughts on the Internet let me down.

But I could have told J.D., the putative (or should I say titular? I love that word) author of the already-defunct Death of a Law Firm blawg, that it is hard work maintaining a persona for any length of time (let alone establishing a line of credit in her name). Not every fictitious person is up to it. These violent delights have violent ends.

blawg review #50

2006-03-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

Let's begin with a threshold question: is it necessary to be Real to maintain a blawg?

Of course not. There is a time-honored (note: in Internet time, this could be several months) tradition of insider critique most currently embodied (in the electronic sense) by one "J.D." of Death of a Law Firm, holding herself out as "an associate at a small but sophisticated law firm with a regional practice serving commercial clients."

Mmph. This baby blawg has only eight entries, but is compulsively readable. My take? The author is a disgruntled partner writing a cautionary tale with which to flog her partners. I've yet to meet an associate with the intense interest in business development possessed by the owner of even the smallest equity share in a law firm.

Next question: is it necessary to have any particular equipment in order to blawg?

Well, yes, a brain, a computer, internet access...but you law student blawgers, no laptops, ever! Also note: the penis is optional equipment. This means that the Prawfs at PrawfsBlawg should take note that their list of graduates contains alumnae and not just alumni. Bad pedants! No cookie!

Next question: are there topics that are never discussed on blawgs?

Well, frankly, now that you mention it, there aren't that many blawggers showing much interest in pitting the establishment clause against the free exercise clause. Really, it seems like everybody favors one or the other. On the one hand, some folks are mighty persnickety separating church from state, like white from yolk. In the other corner, of course, we have the free-exercisers. Give me a fight about that old time religion, it's good enough for me.. Note also Jews On First, the single cleverest blog name I have encountered in many a moon.

Moving to a different sort of Free Exercise, freepreach.org, which seems to be operated by an entity named the Becket Fund, plaintively asks, "Has your preaching been labelled hate speech?" Ah. No, usually just excessively sarcastic. The last temptation is the greatest treason, to do the right deed for the wrong reason.

I'm not sure that the earnest folks at Freepreach, however, really had these unusual churches in mind, very few of which appear to be the target market for e-zekiel.com's church website hosting. Moreover, there appears to be a Darkside Goddess who may be infringing on my intellectual property.

Now, consider this: if we were to violate the Establishment Clause together, just you and I, dear Reader, could we do any better than the Church of 80% Sincerity in which to commit our mortal constitutional sin?

No, seriously. David Roche says:

The face is the locus of the human persona. At the deepest level, a distorted face can signify that God or the universe may be quirky and careless, or at worst, vengeful and punitive. When others judge a face to be marred, it serves as an unconscious reminder to them that the whole human experience, including their own, is one of being flawed. In our western culture, we have inherited the dogma that we are innately evil, born with the birth defect of original sin. The religions of the east filter their Calvinism through concepts of enlightenment and karma. This sort of cultural and religious background is the basis for the deep subtext that perforce accompanies any disabled character. Even the medical model of disability only substitutes cure for salvation. I believe that seeing and accepting one’s “flawed” condition is a core spiritual growth experience, an essential step in developing emotional maturity for all people, disabled and otherwise.

Amen.

For the insatiably curious, Blawg Review has information about next week's host, and instructions how to get your blawg posts reviewed in upcoming issues.

it's coming...

2006-03-25T19:29:00.000-08:00

Watch this blog Monday morning (to be precise, 9 p.m. Sunday Pacific Time) for Blawg Review #50.

You have been warned.

washington state barbies

2006-03-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

Stolen from a friend of mine:

Seattle Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a master's degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming BlackBerry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often “working” late. Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie: This limited edition princess Barbie is sold only at the Bellevue Square Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named “Honey”. Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Tacoma Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Everett Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Monroe Barbie's trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army-Navy Surplus.

Monroe Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, steel-toed cowboy boots, a classic Metallica T shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has fake fingernails, a six pack of Budweiser, and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Also available is the gold-toned cubic zirconium ring that Ken gave her after another one of his “episodes” with his boss’s daughter. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Fred Meyer.

Sultan Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out PFD form. Construction worker Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Red Apple.

Vashon Island Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Olympia Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment," but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.

Update: Cf. also TreeTop Barbie, supra. Or infra, depending on whether you think of a blog post later in time but physically located above the citation as coming "before" or "after" the citation. Hm.

the right stuff

2006-03-09T12:37:00.000-08:00

When you get right down to it, possibly the single most desirable quality in a client is a willingness to pay attorney's fees.

Imagine the gladness in my heart this morning when, after cautioning a client by email that a request for another fee deposit was looming down the road, I received this reply:

"Perhaps the only thing that will make this divorce go faster is more legal fees, so I eagerly await your request for another deposit."

This may be the best response to a reminder about a trust deposit that I have ever received.

sea sponge instructions

2006-03-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

I hate the fact that some lawyers believe that spell-check is the end of proofreading, not just the beginning. Oh, it's so easy to do. It's also so easy not to add technical terms--like law Latin--as defined terms in one's dictionary.

So easy, and so wrong.

This poor bastard actually submitted an appellate brief in which the phrase "sua sponte" was transmogrified into "sea sponge" at least five times, leading to: "It is well settled that a trial court must instruct sea sponge on any defense, including a mistake of fact defense."

Actually, perhaps the better part of valor is for us lawyers to stop using stuffy Latin phrases, although there is really no substitute in English for phrases like sua sponte and--my absolute favorite--mutatis mutandis. Oddly enough, I just typed the phrase "mutatis mutandis" into a blank Word document and spell-checked it, and Word agreed that it was correctly spelled. I must have it well-trained.

take a deep breath and think before you hit "send"

2006-02-21T11:22:00.000-08:00

The following email exchange has been confirmed as authentic. In it, a young lawyer rejects a job offer that she has previously accepted.

________________________

E-mail number 1:
Fr: Diana Abdala
To: Will Korman
Sent: Friday, February 03, 2006 9:23 PM
Subject: Thank you

Dear Attorney Korman,

At this time, I am writing to inform you that I will not be accepting your offer.

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the pay you are offering would neither fulfill me nor support the lifestyle I am living in light of the work I would be doing for you. I have decided instead to work for myself, and reap 100% of the benefits that I sew [sic].

Thank you for the interviews.

Dianna L. Abdala, Esq.

Email number 2:
From: William A. Korman
To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 12:15 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Dianna -

Given that you had two interviews, were offered and accepted the job (indeed, you had a definite start date), I am surprised that you chose an e-mail and a 9:30 PM voicemail message to convey this information to me. It smacks of immaturity and is quite unprofessional. Indeed, I did rely upon your acceptance by ordering stationary [sic] and business cards with your name, reformatting a computer and setting up both internal and external e-mails for you here at the office. While I do not quarrel with your reasoning, I am extremely disappointed in the way this played out. I sincerely wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

- Will Korman

E-mail Number 3
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:01 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

A real lawyer would have put the contract into writing and not exercised any such reliance until he did so.

Again, thank you.

E-mail #4
From: William A. Korman

To: 'Dianna Abdala'
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:18 PM
Subject: RE: Thank you

Thank you for the refresher course on contracts. This is not a bar exam question. You need to realize that this is a very small legal community, especially the criminal defense bar. Do you really want to start pissing off more experienced lawyers at this early stage of your career?

E-mail #5
From: Dianna Abdala
Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 4:29 PM
To: William A. Korman
Subject: Re: Thank you

bla bla bla

_______________________

Res ipsa loquitur.

I imagine I've done things just as stupid as this in my day, but I've never been stupid enough to put them in writing. The poor thing.

she's gotta have it

2006-02-15T17:00:00.000-08:00

I seriously need to have a Bluetooth virtual keyboard. I really cannot resist the concept that I could actually type on a keyboard consisting of an image projected on a table.

Of course the drawback is that, although compatible with my flavor of Treo, the gadget that projects the keyboard, and passes the keystrokes on to the CPU/PDA looks to be the size of my Treo or larger. Which means that I really can't justify buying this on compactness grounds and would have to admit that I want to buy it just to show off. So now, having admitted that, I can't actually buy one now.

get out of Hell free cards

2006-02-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

I seriously need this product. The maker sells them by the individual card, and in jumbo packs of 500+. The flip side says they are good for the seven deadly sins, "plus stupidity." I hasten to point out that of course stupidity is not a sin, and furthermore is its own punishment.

Let's see now. Other than distributing them to excessively remorseful clients, and granting absolution in my occasional role as goddess, I could use these cards as an employee benefit.

pub 2105

2006-02-03T06:33:00.000-08:00

Even I find this one hard to believe.

Doing some early morning research today I discovered that the Internal Revenue Service has an entire publication devoted to the topic Why do I have to Pay Taxes? (peculiar capitalization in the original).

Hm. I had supposed that I pay taxes to fund IRS expense in producing booklets, now that I think of it.

To save my loyal readers the trouble of actually reviewing this document, I will tell you that it is only two pages long, and unlike every other IRS pub I have ever used, it is written largely in purple and lavender script. Also, I will tell you (with hyperlinks, unlike the pamphlet, which doesn't bother to quote the actual wording of the cites) that the authority to levy (federal income) taxes lies in article I, section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, supplemented by the Sixteenth Amendment, and implemented by Title 26 of the U.S. Code.

It's hard for me to believe that a pamphlet printed in purple would sway tax protesters, its apparent intended audience.

they've got to be kidding

2006-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

A friend sent me a link to an "innovative new personal organizing system" yesterday. Because I looked up this whiz-bang new system on an old, slow computer with dial-up access, I was able to read all the text about this wondrous system before I saw the pictures. My imagination reeled speculating about what I might see.

Well.

It's um, a set of cubbyholes.

Yes, if you sort your mail into it, I supposed it's organized. But I was expecting something, well, innovative. Silly me.

consult the contrivium

2006-01-24T07:32:00.000-08:00

Automated whimsy. I love it.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about The dark goddess of replevin!

Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by the dark goddess of replevin.
The condom - originally made from the dark goddess of replevin - was invented in the early 1500s.
The word 'samba' means 'to rub the dark goddess of replevin'.
The dark goddess of replevin can run sixty-five kilometres an hour - that's really fast.
The dark goddess of replevin can drink over 25 gallons of water at a time!
Oranges, lemons, watermelons, pineapples and the dark goddess of replevin are all berries!
The dark goddess of replevin will often glow under UV light!
Louisa May Alcott, author of 'Little The dark goddess of replevin', hated the dark goddess of replevin and only wrote the book at her publisher's request!
Apples are covered with a thin layer of the dark goddess of replevin.
In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and the dark goddess of replevin!

don't try this at home

2006-01-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

The headline reads: "Lawyer Allegedly Kidnaps Client Over Fees." No, really.

She kidnapped him from his wedding celebration (allegedly, that is) and then called his ex-wife for ransom.

Obviously, this attorney has never practiced family law.

the most useful gift

2005-12-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

I received a package of Tattoo Markers from a Secret Santa this year. The package informs me that they are "BODY ART FOR THE COOL AT HEART" (emphasis in original) and that they are "SPECIALLY FORMULATED FOR DRAWING ON THE SKIN" (ditto). There's black, of course, but the rest of the colors are neon.

I am going to start carrying them around so that I can write "IDIOT" on appropriate foreheads in the course of my average day. I view this as a public service.

Thank you, Gina!

christmas cookie liability and indemnification agreement

2005-12-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, so the organization that created this agreement is a blatant front for the restaurant, tobacco, and alcohol industries. It's still awfully funny. Here it is without any improvements.

Santa Claus, AKA Kris Kringle, AKA Jolly Old St. Nick (hereinafter referred to as "Santa") acknowledges receipt of Christmas cookies from ______________________ (hereinafter referred to as "Baker").

Santa acknowledges and understands that no warranty, either expressed or implied, is made by Baker as to the nutritional content of cookies. This document is offered to duly warn Santa that dangerous conditions, risks, and hazards may result from over-consumption of cookies. Santa is hereby informed that cookies may contain any of the following: calories, carbohydrates, sodium (salt), fat, saturated fat, trans fat, polyunsaturated fat, monounsaturated fat, nuts, sugar, caffeine, and good cheer. Santa acknowledges that eating way too many cookies may incur risks including, but not limited to, satiation, indigestion, heart burn, dizziness, laziness, heart disease, holiday spirit, "food coma," and "that bloated feeling."

As consideration for accepting Baker's cookies, Santa indemnifies Baker from all liability for injury or other harm (including obesity) which may be caused, in whole or in part, by said "too many" cookies. Santa agrees that neither he, nor his heirs or personal representatives will sue Baker for any injury suffered, in whole or in part, as a consequence of binging on cookies. Santa assumes full responsibility and will indemnify Baker for any damages in the event that he transfers cookies to any third party (including, but not limited to, potential claimants Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, Mrs. Claus, and various elves).

This indemnification includes an agreement not to haul Baker into court on the basis of:

Failure to provide nutrition information and a list of ingredients (the "Grandma's secret recipe" clause);
Failure to caution of the potential for overeating because cookies taste too good and are provided at no cost;
Failure to advise that walking, biking, and jogging will shed pounds, but riding around on a sleigh will not;
Failure to warn that Christmas lights, lawn ornaments (plastic reindeer, snowmen, etc.) and other holiday decorations may constitute manipulative marketing to lure Santa into over-consumption.
Failure to offer "healthier" cookie alternatives (e.g., tofu bars);
Failure to counsel that cookies may be habit-forming and/or irresistible; and
Failure to notify that eating way too many cookies may lead to even greater levels of obesity for St. Nick (the "Sanity Clause").

SANTA HAS READ THIS DOCUMENT AND UNDERSTANDS IT. SANTA IS SIGNING IT FREELY AND VOLUNTARILY, AND PROMISES NOT TO APPEAR AS A WITNESS IN SUPPORT OF JOHN "SUE THE BASTARDS" BANZHAF, ESQ., AT ANY TIME IN THE FUTURE.

SANTA: ___________________________ DATE:__________________

i need a screw

2005-12-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

No, no, no, it's not what you're thinking. My sex life is fine.

I wore out (!) the right side of my Kinesis Evolution chair-mount keyboard. It took a while for me to convince the stupid tech guy that it really was, well, broken. Only after I demonstrated that half the keys did not work did he conclude, "gee, there must be some physical damage, because I had you do a hard reboot and the keys still don't work." Hm.

The new half came yesterday and it has to be inserted into the plastic sort of flattened clamshell that mounts on the right chair arm. Which means I have to open up the clamshell with the pink-handled office Phillips screwdriver (what can I say, the kit was on sale).

I just dropped one of the screws and it vanished into the Land of Missing Dryer Socks.

I need a screw.

Update: not just a screw, a knife.

The wires that I needed to swap out were tied into the keyboard with little plastic ties that had to be sliced off. But the reassembled keyboard works just fine.

i'm going to Hell

2005-12-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

There are a number of reasons I say this, but here's the most recent:

I was updating our Christmas card label template (okay, that's reason number two I am going to Hell) and realized I was missing an address for two of my friends (married to each other).

My friends have unusual names, live in Seattle, and own a house. So I thought to myself, oh, I'll just get their address off the deed to their house at the King County Recorder's Office. Easier than the phone book, I think their number's unlisted.

It only took a second.

It didn't even occur to me until afterward how intrusive that was. That this didn't even occur to me as I was looking up their address is the number one reason I am going to Hell.

at the juerga

2005-12-15T07:01:00.000-08:00

This has nothing to do with technology, it's just really cool.

I went to a juerga Sunday night at the invitation of my flamenco teacher, who dragged me up in front of all the aficionadi to dance all four couplas of sevillanas with her. (Note to the cognoscenti: yes, I know that sevillanas is not flamenco puro). By an amazing coincidence, I happened to be wearing my dance shoes at the time.

Found out at class last night that the organizer of juerga, a performer herself, asked my teacher afterwards if I was a professional or one of her students.

Agua!

gone.gone.gone.

2005-12-13T17:30:00.000-08:00

I ran what I thought was routine maintenance for a routine glitch in Time Matters yesterday, and blew out all my timesheets--billed work, work in progress, you name it, along with a lot of lesser stuff.

I'm stunned.

Of course I have a backup. In fact, I am carrying it on my keychain right now in a Jump Drive Sport.

But I'm almost scared to try the restore function, which although I've tested in a lackluster fashion I've never really put to the test, if you know what I mean.

Ick ick ick.

year-in-review meme

2005-12-07T22:51:00.000-08:00

Here is the first sentence of my first blog post for each month of 2005 (concept courtesy of waterowl).

January: Look, guys. The press is running amok about Judge Paul Bastine's decision to deny poor beautiful Shawnna (hereafter, "PBS") of Spokane County a dissolution until her pregnancy is over.
February: Well, heck. The judge I clerked for, upon quick research, proves to have died about six months ago.
March: After three tries, here is a clear (if not elegant) depiction of the ambiguous signage infra.
April: I figure that if someone is in my office, it's because their life is basically in the crapper.
May: Post-Its (r) changed my life! Well, no, not really.
June: computer programmer or serial killer? You decide.
July: I've never felt the need for vanity plates on a vehicle before, but I'm thinking of them now for the vehicle I'm about to purchase.
August: The Court of Appeals just affirmed the trial court's decision in the case of Poor Beautiful Shawna on ground that you can't enter a default decree which grants relief other than that sought in the petition.
September: I noticed this morning that I was carrying a copy of Lovingkindness and a copy of The Book of Five Rings cheek-by-jowl, as it were.
October: I noticed today that I share an elevator bank in my Very Tall Building with a law firm named (in part) "Grimm Payne."
November: I have noticed, since Blogger has been acquired by the ubiquitous google (no hotlink required), that Blogger's software has been growing more and more sophisticated.
December: According to the goth name generator, my real name translates into Morbid Princess.

And that's the way it is.

electronic paper

2005-12-07T07:38:00.000-08:00

I will admit to a morbid fascination for electronic to-do lists, whether on my PDAs over the years (uniformly lousy: the screen is too small, and the scrolling disheartening) or my desktop units. I speculate that it would be both depressing and ultimately freeing to see everything I have to do in one place. I've never been successful in compiling anything that seems like a complete list.

The combined to-do list for my Wonder Paralegal and me on Time Matters certainly has its utility, but I don't necessarily want to create a whole bunch of personal Matters to provide a "container" for the to-dos. Random: have picture of self taken with live python. Post to blog.

With Internet access turning up everywhere but the fillings in my back teeth these days, I've been looking at Web-based services. I started a Ta-Da List but felt it was pretty lame, although simple. Occam's Razor cut a little too close to the bone on this app for me, although I hadn't thought of putting it into an RSS feed and subscribing to it until just now (when I read it on the developer's excellent site).

Enter Backpack. Holy cow. I've yet to actually use this, but I think I could actually use the vestigal web browser on the Treo for to-dos without the entries carrying back to TM when I synchronize it with the Mothership.

A related thought prompted above by my identifying the contrast between the PDA and the hulking mothership on my desk (kind of like Baby Bear and Papa Bear). Although a laptop would be a logical place for a master electronic to-do list, I've never been a laptop girl. Either I want to carry it in my purse, or it needs to be the most powerful machine available to civilians at the time (and then I watch its power seemingly decay pursuant to Moore's Law over the next seven years because that's how long I use most machines).

Feh. I am doing more and accomplishing less.

mi vida loca

2005-12-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

The above photograph has nothing to do with the following. I just happen to like the boots I have on today. I stand firm in court when I wear them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Since the Norse God (a/k/a my spouse) is out of town this week, I found myself at my eleven-year-old's school, with both him and the eight-year-old in tow, having a parent-teacher conference at six o'clock in the morning.

As I was waiting after the conference for the grocery store down the street to open so that I could get a cup of coffee, I picked up my trusty Treo to start emailing clients and OC before my hearing this morning...and realized that I was falling squarely into the 24/7 availability/work acceleration trap that I saw first with the fax machine (rare when I started practicing law), then with the cell phone, and now with email enabled on the cell phone.

I recoiled. I'm tired of multitasking. I want to do one thing at a time, preferably not including scheduling any more parent-teacher conferences that early.

another sign that the apocalypse is near

2005-12-04T17:29:00.000-08:00

Thomas Kinkade Inspired Lighting.

I am not making this up.

In fact, it is even worse than I had feared. Not only are there the light bulbs, "designed to provide warmer-colored light than standard household light bulbs," and a "series of unique [sic]" accent lamps, Westinghouse has unleashed upon the world--Heaven help us!--a choice among twenty framed night lights containing "miniature reproductions of Thomas Kinkade’s inspirational paintings." But wait! There's more! "Each night light also contains a Westinghouse color-enhancing light bulb so the colors and hues in each work of art are intensified."

These sound so dreadful I may actually have to buy one.

the difference between worth and value

2005-12-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

To me, however, my blog is priceless.

i <3 chapter 13

2005-12-02T15:05:00.000-08:00

I did a Big Trial in 2003 and ended up with a Really Big Receivable when the case dragged on and on. A couple of months ago I got a notice from the bankruptcy court that my Really Big Receivable was in a "best efforts" Chapter 13 plan in which it was proposed that I receive, yes, zero cents on the dollar (memo to client: try harder).

I was quite cross for several days.

Yesterday morning a check from the Chapter 13 Trustee, payable to me, for over seven grand mysteriously appeared in my office.

I heart Chapter 13.

the disappointment of my goth name

2005-12-01T15:53:00.000-08:00

According to the goth name generator, my real name translates into Morbid Princess.

Lame-o. I think the dark goddess of replevin is much more goth a name, and I came up with it on my own. I'm sticking with that.

A side note: it has come to my attention that there is an actual human being now with the name of Violet Affleck, which my eye insists on reading as Violent Affect, a much better goth name than Morbid Princess.

further adventures of my persona

2005-11-30T16:10:00.000-08:00

Newer readers of my blog (non-Listerine Mawrtyrs, perhaps?) may not know that earlier this year, I took my blog persona, the dark goddess of replevin, and created a corporation sole for her/it/me, just to show that I could. This led to a credit card offer to the dark goddess (credit card companies appear to be fairly wanton about extending credit to any corporation created in Washington state). Which, in the interest of science, I accepted.

Well, I am happy to report that the dark goddess just had her (my?) credit limit on the corporate card raised. By four thousand dollars.

Not bad for an imaginary playmate.

things i must remember not to do

2005-11-29T13:31:00.000-08:00

(1) Must not play "just one" game of online Sudoku before leaving for office in the morning. There is no such thing in my world.

(2) Must not compose and send email via Treo while driving. At first, it was just when I was waiting for a green light on metered on-ramps, but now...

time manipulation

2005-11-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

As my family's Executive Chef, I was delighted to replace both my circa 1987 microwave and my 1984 crockpot with new models this month. This has the advantage of ensuring that I will not receive either item as a Christmas present.

I have, however, been struck that these two appliances represent completely opposite methods of manipulating time. The microwave, obviously, dramatically shortens the required length of time to prepare a dish (particularly the 2005 "Firebolt" model compared to my 1987 clunker). The crockpot just as dramatically prolongs the time, especially when coupled with my timer that delays the time that the crockpot turns itself on. Between the two, I buy myself enormous flexibility that would otherwise be taken away by the driving need to have a home-cooked dinner on the table every night (something that I choose to do, of course; there are other ways of making sure everyone is fed).

I wonder what a life would look and feel like that didn't need to be quite so tightly planned. As long as my kids participate in sports, I am not likely to find out.

Continuing this thought process into the legal workplace: Do I have two ways of manipulating time on projects?

The "microwave" way, obviously, is when I hyperfocus on a project and write, say, in two hours a brief that would take a normal mortal four or five hours. We all know how to do that.

This was not my preferred method of work in college. When you major in a foreign language that you learn from scratch in four years, cramming just doesn't work very well. Over time, desperation has driven me to use the microwave method of drafting much more frequently than I really like. The process has been greatly facilitated by the personal electronic brief bank I have accumulated, plus my strong keyboarding skills (thank you, tenth grade typing class).

But is there a "crockpot" way to complete work projects? I think so, and it is the "eating the elephant" technique so beloved of efficiency experts of dealing with unpleasant projects by doing just a little at a time, over time. I have, in fact, completed the occasional nasty project (obviously, not time critical) by devoting no more than ten minutes a day (over many, many days) to its completion.

In managing my workload, therefore, I can say to myself, "Should I put this in the crockpot, rather than leaving it for the microwave?" That really is a good option to have.

buying your own data back

2005-11-03T23:33:00.000-08:00

Oh, bleck. Lexis instituted something called the Consumer Access Program in June 2005. If you the hypothetical consumer want to see what lurks in the Borg about you, send them EIGHT DOLLARS and wait FORTY-FIVE DAYS and you will get a copy of the information in their Person Report Products about you. Here's their sample.

Lord knows I'm as capitalistic as the next person but there is something fundamentally wrong about selling someone their own next-door neighbor's telephone number.

Lexis helpfully notes that you can opt out of their provision of the non-public data, but you have to show pretty serious risk of harm. Ick, ick, ick.

diagnostic refrigerator magnets

2005-11-02T07:10:00.000-08:00

I have a large black filing cabinet in my office (almost all the furniture in my office is either black or clear glass). Knowing a blank canvas when I see one, I bought a number of variations of the little word poetry magnets I could find so that idle clients, and my idle children, could make poetry on the filing cabinet from my bright red chairs while they wait for me to complete something. One can play with virtual word magnets online, but it doesn't look like it's possible to combine the different vocabulary sets.

As it happens, there are a lot of kits with varying vocabularies. The genius kit is particularly fun. Ah, the challenge of using "obdurate" in a poem.

Well. I found a new word magnet product today: diagnostic refrigerator magnets. I must have them. Although explaining some of this stuff to my eight-year-old may be a bit of a struggle when she comes in to use the magnets.

alas, poor comments

2005-11-01T07:33:00.000-08:00

I have noticed, since Blogger has been acquired by the ubiquitous google (no hotlink required), that Blogger's software has been growing more and more sophisticated. So sophisticated, in fact, that it now has a built-in commenting option. I was also pleased to discover that I can upload photos with Picasa directly without the Hello kludge.

It is remarkable how the operating software has matured. Observant readers will have noted that this blog's URL denotes my prior use of Blogspot, which has faded away over time. Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth in Internet time, Blogspot provided the site separately and Blogger provided the software to operate the site. I paid, I think, five dollars for a year for a "Blogspot Plus" account to keep ads off my template. In an irony not lost on me, I am now contemplating installing Adsense on the site to recoup a small fraction of the billable time I lose posting here. In the old days, I paid to keep ads off. In modern times, I charge to permit ads on. Larry Lessig may be able to sense the deeper implications of this more than I, but even I can see that this represents a, cough, "paradigm shift" (pardon the expression).

The advent of Blogger commenting means that I no longer need, in theory, to rely on haloscan for comments. Hm. I sacrificed my first set of comments a while ago when I switched to haloscan from a service whose name I can no longer recall. At this juncture (taking ten minutes to blog before I scoot to work), I have deep-sixed my old comments, and the ability to add new comments through haloscan, but cannot seem to enable new Blogger comments. One of the drawbacks of having an "older" template. Or an older brain.

I certainly hope that I can eventually import the haloscan comments still living out there, somewhere. There is an acerbic exchange with an ex-boyfriend that was particularly amusing floating around the ether. I also hope that I will figure out how to convince Blogger that I really mean it when I say I want to allow comments on my posts. Meanwhile, I just feel dumb.

Update 2005-12-5:

By dint of reading the Blogger Help section for the code that my template actually needs, my commenting function is restored.

Next: trackbacks.

enter tha office

2005-10-31T11:38:00.000-08:00

Am I the last person in the world to discover the wonders of Herbert Kornfeld, accounts receivable supervisor?